Eating fruit and veg means eating fruit and veg

So, this month on Health Month I've decided to really step it up. First off, I've bumped up my rules from 3 to 7. (7!) And, I've expanded them away from my basic eating and drinking rules. I still have the basics: drink a ton of water, take a vitamin. I've modified my basic "eat greens" to "eat seven servings of fruit and veg a day" in order to encourage more variety. I also still have my food journaling rule. But, I've added a flossing rule, a list of grateful things rule, and an exercising rule. This is only week two, but I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I've not lost any life points so far.

But, I'd forgotten that when you target a certain number of fruits and veg in a day, you pretty much spend all your meal times (and meal prep times) trying to get those fruits and veg in. I've started drinking v8 again (which I love, by the way). I bought a big bottle simply because I knew that the serving size wasn't that big and that would be a nice way to get a serving in without having to think about it in the morning. And, I've eaten a ton of fruit. All of the snacks I've eaten in the past ten days have involved a fruit or a veg. And, finally, I've been really strategic with what I've been cooking. Over the weekend, I made a Persian stew that is almost entirely vegetables and fruit. (It also had a small amount of meat in it.)


This past week, the last week that there is a visiting scholar in my house, has been really busy (and a little stressful) so getting I'm really proud of myself for hitting these targets. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep it up!

Things just keep getting better and better

I totally missed one of my health month goals this week. I was about 15 glasses short on water. I'd say that I feel a little dehydrated, but I've had a cold for a month that has turned into a nasty chest cough and so all I really feel is that nasty, itchy, I want to cough feeling. Oh, I also feel tired from all of the extra effort I'm having to put in to breathe (which sounds weird when I put it like that, but weird sadly doesn't mean untrue.)

I went to the doctor this morning and told her about the cold and she had me hop up onto the table to give my lungs a listen. Then we had the following conversation:

Doctor: Do you have asthma?
Me: No.
Doctor: Not even when you were little?
Me: No.
Doctor *pauses to give me an unbelieving look* Well, your lower lungs sound clear. You clearly have some sort of upper respiratory infection and a lot of inflammation in your lungs. I'm going to give you an inhaler.

So, I have a cough that is mimicking asthma in its spare time. Meanwhile, in my "spare" time, I've been napping. You know something is wrong when you come home at 5, sleep until 7.30, get up and do some work and are back in bed by 11 for a full eight hours (well, minus the coughing interruptions) of sleep. I hope I get better soon because this last month has just been miserable.

STRESS!!!!!

I've been completely stressing out about a presentation that I had to give yesterday about my research to my entire department. Now, I know that my department is full of excellent researchers who are also decent human beings so that, when you give a presentation you get excellent feedback (that is delivered in a kind way). I know that I'm not an idiot. I know I've worked hard on this. And, yet, I can't seem to help not psyching myself out and thinking that I have nothing useful to say before a big presentation.

Which is so ridiculous.


Because the presentation went fine.

And, there was a good discussion afterward from which I got at least one reference to some work in another language that may support my claim.


So, yesterday, I get up and I'm freaking out so I sit down and drink my usual cup of joe and play with my cats and go over my slides again. Then, my carpool buddy calls and pack stuff up and grab a banana and go. After my first two classes, I buy a cup of coffee. I get back up to my office and my friend has brought me a donut. I eat my donut. I look at my slides some more. I got to my third class. I give my presentation. And, then, on the ride home I realize the only things I've consumed today have been water, coffee, milk and sugar in the coffee, a donut and a banana.

That dog won't hunt, Monsignor.

So, before dinner (I know, right!) I went digging through my bag and realized I had a honey tangerine. I ate it.

I'm totally changing tenses in this post. Sorry about that.

Eventually I went to dinner with friends and had some Indian food. But, I can't help but wonder if I'd be more calm if I ate on a schedule.

Defining the Rules

I've been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that in order to really move forward with my health (and, part of playing Health Month is about getting into the habit of being more healthy, which is to say moving forward with my health, that I need to be as explicit as possible with my rules. I'm going to take a moment today to explicitly set out what it is that I want to count as completing a rule today and my goals in doing so.

Last things first. My long term goal with all of this is to just learn to be more mindful. I feel a lot of my bad habits come out of letting myself get so bogged down with things and stressed out that I let the little things slide. In essence, I fill my plate so full that I just stop paying attention to details. This is detrimental and incredibly disconcerting because I feel many of life's good things are little details and many of the details can serve as flags on whatever path you're on. It is easy to lose the way when you're not paying attention.

Okay, so the rules: the three from last month continued (drinking water, eating greens and taking a multivitamin.) I have as my definition of a glass of water a 6 ounce portion. I know everyone says "8 8ounce glasses a day!" but, I feel 6 ounces is more manageable. In addition to water, I feel that I non-caffeinated herbal tea and the occasional vitamin water can count (if its less than a quarter of my water intake a day). My reasoning here is two fold: 1. every now and then you want something a little different and I don't want to deny myself something because "I *have* to drink so much water!" Secondly, I own a ton of tea and I don't want it to go to waste.

For the greens eating, I'd like it to only count if I eat half a cup. Now, this is going to require some planning so that I'm not sitting there, at 9.30, shoving down a salad. I am more than capable of planning my meals in advance so this shouldn't be a huge effort.

The new rules are about flossing, meditation and tracking what I eat. The only one I really want to put a stipulation on is the tracking what I eat. Every year I buy journal specifically to do this and I'd say I don't do it easily 75% of the time. I think the key to this is to get into the habit of writing things down right after I eat them. (For example, I just had a snack of celery sticks and cream cheese. So, I'm going to write that down right now.) As for the other two, I think just sitting still is going to be hard enough, but I'm going to have to plan it. With the flossing, ya, I don't take as good of care of my teeth as a should. Ya, that's gross. This is why I'm going to do something about it. Floss, ahoy!

Alright. So, that's the scoop.

Health Month

Do you all know this website: Health Month? It is a health management website that is set up like a social game. You pick a couple of rules each month and you do your best to follow them. The thought behind it, at least for me, is that I have the opportunity to be mindful about a couple of little things all month and I have rewards set up for when I succeed and if I fail I've also got a non-reward set up because you start each game (a month is a game) by setting up a little contract for yourself.


I've not done it before; this is my first month giving it a go. I know it is only January 2nd, but so far, so good. I've set it up so that I have three rules: I have to take a multi-vitamin everyday. I have to drink 61 glasses of water a week and I have to eat greens everyday. I had a salad last night for dinner and it was very refreshing. (This is going to seem counter-intuitive as someone who has a CSA share, but getting enough greens is actually pretty hard for me.)

So far today, I've already taken my vitamin and I've got my trusty-rusty water bottle next me and it is already half empty. (It isn't actually rusty. It is a vapur water bottle that Santa brought me for Christmas.) I think things are going pretty well.

Apparently, changes have consequences.

So, I'm going to start this post off by saying something incredibly ridiculous and obvious: Changing how you eat, changes how you eat.

Now, let me explain. I've not had the best couple of days. I have part of a first draft on a big paper due to my advisor this week, and a lit review that I wrote a while back went missing during one of the many computer fiascos that has happened in the past twelve months. I didn't realize that until I decided I should reread what I've already written on Friday. Then, I went to a party to sort of chill for a bit and found myself roped into being grill master and having to grill more than 15 hamburgers for the host. This was not particularly relaxing. (And, if it hadn't been the hosts birthday, I would have told him no.) And, yesterday I had already planned to go on a leek fast so I spend the day tense from the previous day, working on a paper and not feeling very focused about it, and hungry, which, for unknown reasons always makes me feel like I'm a terrible person who has done something wrong and who doesn't deserved to be loved.

When it came around to dinner time, despite the fact that the fast was supposed to go a full 36 hours, I had had enough. So, I asked myself, "What will make me feel better?" And, I answered, "Junk food." That seemed fair so I asked, "What kind of junk food?" Well, nothing sounded good. So, I settled on cheese fries with bacon and some sort of onion and sour cream based dipping sauce. So, I went to the store to procure the ingredients to make this calorie and salt-laden pile of goodness. I get there, I walk through the prepared foods section and I see the sushi counter. And, before I know it, I've unconsciously changed Fry Fest 2010 into a quiet evening at home with some steamed vegetable gyoza and 6 Philadelphia rolls, some pre-cut pineapple and mango followed up by a slice of vanilla cake. When I looked down in my basket, I thought to myself, "Wow, that seems perfectly reasonable. We need to at least buy some chips or something." So, I picked up some bugles and a small container of fat-free onion dip. But, no bugle-binging took place. Reasonable meal eating. The fruit, gyoza and sushi are all gone, but everything else remains so that they can continue to be eaten in proper portions.

I'm as surprised as you are, dear reader. I'm as surprised as you are. But, at least this morning I'm not adding, "Oh, I can't believe I consumed 3,000 calories in 30 minutes!" guilt to the stress I was already feeling. That is a nice change.

Week 1 of my challenge

On the first day, while standing in warrior two, I thought, "Hmm, I'm going to have to fight myself the whole way on this." And, that's pretty much the case. 3 of the mornings this week, I've done closer to ten minutes of yoga than twenty. But, I think that by the end of the 30 days, I might actually be able to work up to 20 minutes. The thing is, my body isn't ready for some of the yoga poses. And, instead of giving it the old college try, I usually just end up staring at Rodney Yee in the video, swearing and giving up. That pose where you're in downward-facing dog, and then you lift a leg and twist? Ya. Fuck that. At least that has been my reaction this week.


Overall, though, I haven't much minded getting up the extra half-hour early and I feel better. This morning, I did (a good chunk of) the hip opening workout and it was perfect,just perfect. I didn't realize I had that much tension in my hips but as we worked through a series of poses beginning and ending with staff pose, I felt the tension releasing and my body relaxing. I've had that experience before, where you realize that some kind of emotion has been building up someplace when you feel it being released (sorry to go all dirty hippie on you), but it is still unexpected and a little surprising when it happens.

I look forward to continuing this challenge and seeing what else I learn.

Did you know that French women don't get fat?

While I was on vacation, I read French Women Don't Get Fat. You read that right. I read a diet book. On vacation. On purpose. I find diet books to interesting and (often times) amusing, so yes, I occasionally read them for fun. (Actually, I read a lot of things while I was on vacation. Reading is fun.) And, I found that the book is actually full of some pretty good advice. The thrust of the book seemed to be, "slow down, be choosy, make time for yourself, and enjoy what you have." And, I think my life could use a little more of that. I think most people could probably use a little more of that.

I've been thinking about my life and about how stressful being a graduate student can be. I have school work, research, lab hours, and teaching responsibilities that I have to balance with the business of being a grown up, which luckily for me just means making sure that my cats and I eat, sleep and exercise and that the bills are paid on time. And, when push comes to shove the parts of my life that get dumped first when I'm busy are my eating, my sleeping and my exercising. But, I have thought about this a lot, over the last eight months or so and I have come to the conclusion that taking time away from the eating, sleeping and exercising doesn't help me get any of the other stuff any easier. In fact, it makes everything just a little bit worse, likely because I'm not getting the vitamins/nutrients/calories I need and I don't have a place to appropriately blow off steam.

So, before I even picked up the book, I was already on the look out for little changes that I could make that would just get more movement into my life. I have decided that starting on Monday, I am challenging myself to 30 days of 20 minutes of yoga in the morning and to 30 days of a stroll after dinner. I'm a little nervous that I won't be able to keep it up but I think these are necessary changes that need to be made so I'm going to make it happen.

Let's play a little game...

It's called "Guess How Much My Grocery Bill Was Today." I haven't been to the store in almost two months for a trip that didn't involve buying alcohol, soda, and frozen pizza only (that sounded bad, I'm not an alckie, I promise). Do you want to know what today's combined total is from two grocery stores (the Co-op and Hy-Vee)?

$319.54

And that's US dollars.

GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

What can I say - I was seduced by the fruit (problem #1), by having absolutely NO staples in the kitchen except soy sauce and packaged tuna (problem #2), and by having to purchase things like flour and canola oil to bake with because what I had on hand was 3+ years old and skunky (problem #3).

I must rectify this overspending in the future.

Problem #1: Next time I do not need 3 pints of strawberries, I don't bake with them (omg, they look so good *drools*). Fruit is good for me so I will need to buy plenty of fruit in future but perhaps in not so much quantity.

Problem #2: The grocery bills of >$300 would be more spread out over multiple trips to the store if I actually went more than 6 times per year (current average). I would be better able to manage usage of staples that way, too.

Problem #3: If I cook more then I won't have skunky flour. Ergo, ...

On a side note - I AM BAKING!!! Hahahahahaha!!

I'm not sure what got into me but there are raspberry pecan muffins in the oven RIGHT NOW! Yummy (the recipe is from the EarthBound Organic Farm Cookbook, Food to Live By)!!

Oh, fiber.

I have done a lot of thinking in the past week or so and I have reached a set of conclusions about the world that I think will better suit me and my current outlook on things. Some of these things have been interactional (I have a new rule in regards to people who use passive-aggression to get me to do what they want to do. My new response is basically going to be to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then walk away.) but some of them have been about health.

The first health idea I had was that I am going to start training for a 5K. I figure, if I start now, in May, that buy October I should be able to at least walk 5K in a local race (maybe the Race to Cure Childhood Cancer.) The good people of Buffalo Runners have put up a website that lists all the local races. And, a friend of mine sent me a link to some software that is a nine-week training program called something like "from couch to 5K".

The second health idea I had was that I used to love eating healthy. And, there is no way I can't do that again. Especially now that it is summer and all the local farmers will be out at the Farmer's markets with their produce. To that end, at the Farmer's market recently, I bought a load of vegetables in order to make a chopped salad with a little bit of egg and cheese, too. (I also bought sausage that I'm going to grill up and I may toss in their, too.) I decided to chop about 3 meals worth and then when I finish that I'll chop a few more veg. That way everything stays fresh.

But, I'm remembering now the thing about eating a lot of vegetables: They are full of fiber. This is amazing. It is also...well, how do I put this delicately? When you go from eating a lot of junk food to eating a lot of fiber, you find that the first trip to the bathroom in the morning is much more of a necessity. Oh, fiber. This is good, though. Fiber comes in, fills you up and then goes right back out.

Exercise Equipment

So, over Christmas I was sitting on the sofa with my Mother and we were watching Shop NBC (its this thing we do. We shop a shopping channel and make fun of the hideous jewelry) but it wasn't what we usually watch, it was a physical therapist who had invented a piece of fitness equipment that uses resistance to strengthen your muscles.

It actually looked like fun. So, I ordered one. I figured, if it looks like fun and I can just do six minutes on it a day, I'd be 42 minutes more healthy every week.

Can you say that? "42 minutes more healthy"? Well, given the first paragraph is actually one long run-on sentence, I suppose I can.

Anyway, it came in the mail and I've gotten around to using it twice this week. I'm a little sore from it, but nothing I can't handle. Although, there is one exercise in the basic 6 exercises that I just can't seem to get to work. Its been like trying to hula hoop (which is to say "embarrassing".) In fact, now that I think about it, it is exactly like hula hooping.

The exercise is meant to target the waist, hips, butt and thighs. You hold the blade and rock your hips and make do its resistance thing. And, I can't get it shake. Its a little ridiculous. Although, the cats have come to love it. Cooper likes to sit on the cat tower and bat at it as it swings by.

Snacks

So, I have a number in mind. It is a pretty high number, but not as high as I thought it was going to be. You see, I got on a scale yesterday.

I'm not proud of the number, but I'm not really that ashamed of it, either. I know how it happened. I'm not my priority. I know that I'm pretty much all I ever talk about here, but in the non-blog world, my priorities are my friends and family, my cats, my research, my students, the lab, making sure bills get paid on time, and that I'm doing all that I can to make sure that my PhD is worth something when I graduate. Oh, and for two and half years, my now ex, who provided me with opportunity and incentive to unlearn many of my good habits by making me feel like a piece of trash and only eating store-bought junk himself. On the surface, there are a lot of first-person singular possessive markers, so it still looks like I'm just talking about me. But what I'm trying to point out is, that when it comes to what my body needs and what I need to be healthy, happy and stable.


The number that I'm thinking about is what it is. So, if I want it to be something else, I have to work on it. Honestly, I've said this before and you might think this is just me trying to convince myself but, as long as I'm healthy and not miserable because my needs aren't being met, that number can stay put. The thing is, I know I'm not. I get winding walking up the stairs and my clothes fit weird.

In a previous post, I mentioned that my plan is to take lunch and snacks to school and to food journal. I've been doing really well at taking my lunch. And, remembering snacks. And, remembering to eat them. I have noticed a correlation between being hungry and not being able to get work done. And, thanks to my friend Annie I've discovered a new energy/nutrition bar. These things are kind of amazing. All of the ingredients are words I can pronounce (without resorting to a dictionary.) They are a little more calorie intense than the other granola bars I've been eating, but they are super tasty. And, well, its nice to exactly what you are eating.

Back in the Saddle.

Now that Coltrane is posting and has, if you will, thrown down the gauntlet it is time to start blogging and thinking about food again.

It is funny to put it that way, "thinking about food" because, honestly, I don't ever stop thinking about food. I love food. I love cooking. I definitely love eating. I even love reading diet books, as odd as that sounds. And, I feel that at this point in my life I have read too many of them and I'm old enough not to feed myself properly. Like a grown up. Healthy and such.

So, I bought a ham, some potatoes, loads of veg, and a bag of salad. (I also bought bacon and cinnamon rolls. It is my last weekend of freedom before the semester begins and I am going to enjoy it!) I feel like, what is important is that I just remain mindful of what I eat. If I am paying attention and trying to only eat at meal times or when I am hungry perhaps I can break some of my bad, couch potato habits.

In an effort to do this, to be mindful, I am going to do two things:

1. I have started food journalling. Every time something passes my lips, I make a note of it. I even bought a planner so that I'd have something all set to go. I've eaten a lot this weekend. True Story.

2. I am taking my lunch and two snacks with me to school every day. Additionally, I have V8 (don't make that face, I like the way it tastes and I am not you. :P), some Fiber One granola bars and a mess of tea bags that I am taking into my office. I am hoping that access to tasty snacks and my own tea stash will curb any "let's go to Starbucks or Tim Horton's" urges I have. I feel this will be good for my wasteline and my budget.

I'm going to put one foot in front of the other, too!

So, even though I made all that great progress last month, according to my scale I've gone the other direction so far this month.

Also, I'm super stressed out and I hate the town that I live in and all my friends live somewhere else or aren't around for the summer because they are getting married or study cool things in which they get to play in the dirt. While this isn't exactly true and I'm really just kvetching it is certainly how I feel.

Anyway, it has occurred to me that perhaps I should follow Melissa's lead and start doing one (or more) of the many workout videos I have in my house and I much more regular basis. What could be better than expending some of my murderous, "I hate my life" energy while bouncing up and down on an exercise ball doing a lazy man's jumping jacks? (I mean, what could be better aside from not having murderous, "I hate my life" energy to begin with.) I have come to a decision. I am, starting today!, going to work out three times a week. If I can keep that going for a month, I think I may give myself a treat. Another orchid, perhaps? (Not that I can afford another orchid and another grow light so said orchid won't die during the winter, this is one of the source's for the murderous energy, but you know, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, Exercise ball ahoy!

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other

I am genetically programmed to be a sloth, sitting around with my feet up reading a book, knitting, drinking tea, and/or feeding my face. If I want to live to see grandchildren (assuming I have children in the first place) I have to be active, end of story. I'm my father's child and, on the paternal side of the family, we're all short, barrel-chested, and prone to cardiovascular/cerebrovascular disease (my paternal grandfather stroked out at the age of 59; my father is turning 62 this year and is pretty proud of himself).

As noted by my personal blog URL, I'm a dancer and started when I was very little. That whole "short and stocky" thing makes a professional ballet career an impossibility, combined with a wonky back, a phooey knee, and a tendency to grind off the soft tissue between the bones of my left foot, but I can hold my own in a professional level class. Even now when I'm the oldest by ten years of the students on a given day. I'm naturally flexible and have a decent core but I'm also a lazy bones who has a little trouble bothering to go to the gym for additional exercise beyond ballet class.

Hence the flab that won't ever give up the ghost.

I sucked it up today (literally) and tried out a new Pilates DVD - Pilates Body Sculpting Workout with Ana Caban - that came with a little ball that you squeeze to activate certain muscles.

Ow.

I can generally do pretty well with a 20 minute mat class - I haven't had a formal class in years because no one has classes when I'm not at work - but this one had me dying after about 10 minutes. This is definitely a challenge. I also got a another DVD - Mari Windsor Pilates for Pink - so I might let Mari kick my gut tomorrow. I picked up some new therabands and a lightweight travel yoga mat so I can work on some knee exercises and foot exercises when I'm on-the-go.

Have I yet to mention that I have been slacking on my prescribed physical therapy exercises? I have and that does me no good either.

It's all about being consistent and consistency is a problem for me. I'm used to just going 110% percent everyday and that just doesn't work anymore because my body doesn't recover as quickly as it used to (combined with my current out-of-shape status).

Goal: Tomorrow do a bit of Pilates with Mari and then hit the gym for at least 30 minutes on the elliptical. Repeat Monday.

Off to have a soak in the bath.

Also improvements: I have been drinking more water of late (particularly at night when my fridge-forages urges become more apparent - currently foiled by there being no food in the fridge) and I also bought a new *aluminum* water bottle to have PBA-free water. Just watch - in a few years we'll have a report about how we're all ingesting aluminum with our water bottles.

Vegetables

So, some friends and I went into together and bought a share in a local farm (two farms, actually) through a Community Sustained Agriculture program. We have a fruit share and a summer vegetable share. (We're on the wait list for a winter share.) We got our first shares of veg yesterday. I have sweet onions, all different types of lettuce.

I bought bacon and eggs to go with my lettuces. I've had two sandwiches today. I'm pretty excited about the rest of the lettuce. Although, I don't imagine it will last as long as I think it will. The quart of strawberries we got last week lasted me four days. I love vegetables! I hope that this will help my efforts to help my health efforts!

Small Victories

On Monday I went clothes shopping with my Mother. We looked in a few shops, picked through the sales racks. Mostly, we just chatted and walked. The point of the excursion was to visit Torrid so that I could use the ten dollars off coupon they sent me in the mail for my birthday. I don't go clothes shopping very often. I don't because I have a lot of clothing. And, graduate school isn't the sort of place that keeps you in piles of cash. Also, I don't because I'm hoping to not be this size for very long (a hope that I have long nursed) so I don't want to add to this wardrobe if I'm not going to get a lot of use out of something.

As a result of this, I get a lot of use out of the items I have. Our mission was to find me another pair of work pants because I pretty much live in black trousers whether I'm working or not. We accepted it. We stopped at Torrid, which had a number of cute summer dresses that I thought were a little overpriced and some nice black slacks in tall. The tall is very necessary. Sadly, they were out of what I thought was my size. But, they did have the next size down. I figured, what the hell, I'll try them. And, they sit. So, I'm now (currently at this moment) wearing a size that is 3 sizes smaller than the last pair of pants I bought at Lane Bryant. Now, I know that different places size things differently, so this might not be the victory I think it is (although, of the two, I think Torrid's sizes tend to run smaller. Any thoughts on this?), but its still a victory and I'm going to take it.

There could have been tears...

A friend of mine is getting married in July. Today we went dress shopping. Now, it doesn't matter who you are or what you look it, Wedding Dress Shopping can (almost) always be described in two words: Epically Frustrating.

You go in and you sit down after you've made an appointment. You end up having to wait because there are only two fitters and the girl who had the appointment before you is standing in the back, in a beautiful Oleg Cassini bawling her eyes out because it doesn't fit quite as it should in the bust and she is not going to get her dream wedding in which she looks like Jackie Kennedy at the White House. You're nervous as hell because trying on clothes is nightmare and you're going to have a stranger picking things out and shoving you into them and because you want to look just right. Not to mention that dresses are expensive and many bridal places don't let you return things should the romance go belly up, which would mean that, worst case scenario you're stuck with a taffeta, lace and bead extravaganza and a fiery ball full of hate in your stomach. And, you're not even in the fitting room yet.

Should you ever need someone to hold your hand (and your self-esteem) when trying on wedding dresses, I'm your girl for two reasons: 1. You are only allowed to get to have the weepy, "I'm so fat and I'll never find a dress that looks nice on me!" breakdown once. We'll cry. We'll talk it out. I will pick you up by your bootstraps and make you soldier on because you are not fat and any wedding dress that doesn't make you feel like a pretty, pretty princess has failed at its job. Seriously, a wedding dress should make you feel like a Queen because you're going to be wearing for a full day while you are the center of attention. And, no one puts on a burlap sack when they know they're going to be the center of attention. You get out your best shoes for that. 2. I come complete with Mary Poppins bag and kick ass sense of humor. I turned up to the fitting today with an extra pair of two and a half inch heels, a strapless bra, spanx, a bottle of water, post it notes, a pen and a camera. (Well, the camera on my phone which actually takes not-too-shabby photos that you can send to your Momma.)

Amazingly, I didn't have to have the "Look,I know you've gone completely Body Dysmorphic after seeing yourself in the funhouse mirrors, but you really do cut a mean silhouette" conversation. Which was pretty amazing. I did want to smack the woman that checked my friend in when we first got there, though. The wedding is in July and the first question out of the woman's mouth was, "Oh, are you pregnant?" Followed immediately by, "We always go one size up because wedding dresses run small." Be that as it may, you just insulted my tiny-pants friend who does things on short notice twice in one breath. Calm down, woman. Not everyone plans years and years in advance.

It turns out there is only one question you need to ask about wedding dresses and that is, "And, what about it don't you like?" We narrowed it down to three and then discovered that each of those dresses had at least one deal breaking feature. The bad news, we had to start all over again. The good news, we were able to pin point exactly what my friend was looking for because we knew what she didn't want. The dress she got, in the end, was in a size smaller than the other dresses she was trying on (Take that, first measurement lady!). And, I agreed to count calories with her from now until the wedding. She would like to drop a few pounds (and maybe pick up some muscle.) I think we can do it. I'm also particularly pleased that the day went off without any major melt downs, freak outs or morose moments sponsored by an unrealistic of view of What Women Should Look Like. We got off pretty lucky. There could have been tears.

True Story

True Story. About five years ago, I get this brilliant idea. I'm going to lose all this weight that I've been carrying around my whole life. I enlist my sister (who, at the time, was my roommate) and we go on the South Beach diet. Then, we join Curves. We're wildly successful. I don't know how many pounds my sister lost, but I lost something like a hundred. (I didn't keep good records, I only kept track of pants size, how hungry I was, and how good I felt.) I almost never went hungry (unless I missed a snack), I felt great and I went from a size 28 to a size 14 or a 16. I got to shop at regular clothing stores with my friends. It was amazing! Also, I looked smoking hot. I have seriously long legs, and I'd never realized that before.


And, then I went to graduate school and met a guy and got engaged and it all went to hell.

So, now I'm back to square one. I've put all the weight back on. All of the weight. I've broken up with the guy (he was a total loser. Love really does cause blindness.), I'm still in grad school and I have a fabulous kitten I rescued from a parking lot and some nice houseplants. But, I'm so very, very angry at myself for being back at this weight. Basically, things are pretty great, setting aside the rage and the weight gain. And, if I lost it before, I can lose it again, right?


I'd like to say that I've started this because I'm ready to lose the weight again, for reals, y'all, and that I'm ready to work through my issues. But, that isn't really the case. Mostly, its because I'm a stubborn bitch that's pissed at herself for being back here. Also, its a little bit because I had all this diet stuff sorted and now that I've put the weight back on all these skinny folks keep trying to give me tips. Don't get me wrong, every little bit helps, but seriously, five minutes in my amazing three-inch heels and all you skinny bitches would weep. I already drink diet and count my steps, eat my veggie burgers (that I make myself, by the way) without the bun and I'm a firm believer that a half-cup 10-calorie sugar-free jello cup hits the sweet spot every time. I'm fierce, and don't you forget it.

I suspect that this blog will turn into a lot of ranting about society and body issues and all manner of shit that doesn't really pertain to weight loss, but that's really the name of the game, isn't it? Its not what you look like, its how you feel in your own skin. And, if I can get back to feeling smokin' hot, whether it be at a BMI within the healthy range or a BMI that suggests that my heart is actually pumping around congealed fat instead of blood, I'll have succeeded. That's all I really care about.