It's just a pie to the face, is all.

I'm thrilled that February is almost over because I have to tell you, little campers, this month has been really hard on me. I got my computer back on Tuesday and then it stopped working again briefly on Thursday. This was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back. I kind of lost it. I had a few beers. I hardly got any work done. It was just too much.

And, then I get to the computer shop on Friday night (couldn't go earlier because there was snow and it took us an hour to drive a distance that normally takes 20 minutes!) I go to show them the new problem and it is suddenly gone. So, I'm standing there, in the computer shop (20 minutes before close) feeling like a complete tool. To quote Dan and Casey from Sports Night:

Dan: Sometimes, it's worth it, all the pies in the face. Sometimes you come out feeling pretty good.

Casey: And, sometimes you just stand there, hip deep in pie.

I feel like this month has been like that. Me, standing here, hip deep in pie. Well, maybe more sternum deep in pie because I keep getting hit with more pies in the face.

But, the thing I've realized about all of this, the silver lining of this month has been that it truly could have been so much worse. My country isn't run by a dictator hell bent on keeping his grasp on the reins of the country. Nor did my city get hit with a major earthquake. And, I've managed to get within two days of the end of the month on Health Month and I've still got 8 life points left. So, I must be doing something right. Ya, this month has been rough. Ya, I'm hurting a little. But, no bigs because I'm still here and I'm still full of fight.

That being said, I hope that there's something in store for me in March that isn't pies in the face.

Things just keep getting better and better

I totally missed one of my health month goals this week. I was about 15 glasses short on water. I'd say that I feel a little dehydrated, but I've had a cold for a month that has turned into a nasty chest cough and so all I really feel is that nasty, itchy, I want to cough feeling. Oh, I also feel tired from all of the extra effort I'm having to put in to breathe (which sounds weird when I put it like that, but weird sadly doesn't mean untrue.)

I went to the doctor this morning and told her about the cold and she had me hop up onto the table to give my lungs a listen. Then we had the following conversation:

Doctor: Do you have asthma?
Me: No.
Doctor: Not even when you were little?
Me: No.
Doctor *pauses to give me an unbelieving look* Well, your lower lungs sound clear. You clearly have some sort of upper respiratory infection and a lot of inflammation in your lungs. I'm going to give you an inhaler.

So, I have a cough that is mimicking asthma in its spare time. Meanwhile, in my "spare" time, I've been napping. You know something is wrong when you come home at 5, sleep until 7.30, get up and do some work and are back in bed by 11 for a full eight hours (well, minus the coughing interruptions) of sleep. I hope I get better soon because this last month has just been miserable.

Cranky

So, A little over a year ago I bought a new laptop from HP. My previous laptop was four years old and had this glitch where it liked to turn itself off sometimes. It is hard to get work done when you have to save after every sentence for fear of losing stuff.


At the time, I was thinking of spending a little more money and making the switch from PC to Mac. It was such a mistake not to. Yesterday, for the second time in a year, I had to take my laptop in to have repairs done on it. The top is pulling up, the DVD player is broken and, worst of all, it won't connect to the internal monitor. (By the way, this has all happened since Friday.)

Thankfully, there are computer labs on campus so that I can get work done, blog and continue to check on Health Month, but this means that likely for the next two weeks I'm just going to be living in my office. Which sucks. Because I actually like working at home. I have a special space set aside for it and everything. Actually, I have two special spaces set aside for getting work done.

But, now I find myself in this position of once again wondering if I should retire this HP laptop to desktop status and make the switch to Mac. This is a very serious consideration for me, despite the fact that it is not in this year's budget. I have probably another 3 years of research and classes left on my PhD and the thought of having a two week mandatory period of being chained to the on campus computer labs (even though I have access to a private one) does not please me. This "job" is hard enough without your technology failing you twice a year.

Wine Party

So, last night I had a few friends over for some wine. I try to do this thing every month or so (this gives me a good reason to clean my apartment) where we all pick a variety of wine and then everyone brings a bottle and we all get to try several different kinds of the type of wine. It works out pretty well. I keep forgetting that I want to stop by the dollar store and buy little notebooks so that people can keep track of their favorite wines from the evening, but I still think people get a good sense of what they like. At the very least, you'll hopefully remember the label so that when you're at the store and thinking, "Oh, I need some wine" you can also think, "Oh, I remember liking that one."


Last night we tried Cabernet Sauvignon. There were some that were okay in my opinion and some that were not particularly nice. There was one (luckily the first of the evening) that was just beautiful. It had strong cherry overtones and it was just really, really nice.

Even though I'm tracking my food as one of my rules on Health Month, I relaxed last night and didn't stress tracking every single piece of cheese and every last pickled garlic clove (which are so delicious.) My big deal isn't about tracking calories or what I eat because I'm trying to hit specific targets, my object is to be aware of what I'm doing and how it makes me feel. I have come to wonder if I use food as entertainment or comfort or to alleviate boredom and if I'm ignoring how I actually feel because of the intake of food. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if it wouldn't be better to not only write down what I eat, but also write down how I feel half an hour after. Huh.

The most amazing danish

It is possible that I'm just in a really good mood and good moods predispose me to hyperbole, but I had just had the most amazing coconut custard danish from my local grocery store.

I had bought it intending to have it for breakfast but instead I ended up having blueberries and cottage cheese for breakfast. So, I brought the danish with me to school. I am sitting in my office, watching the snow fall and enjoying this danish. I've had cheese danishes before, but I don't think I've ever had a custard danish before. It was incredibly creamy, with a hint of vanilla and topped with coconut. For some reason, I find coconut to be the perfect flavor for a winter dessert. I think it is a visual thing.

My office is on the top floor of a building looking at over a completely closed in courtyard, so snow both falls and rises here in a swirl. It gives you the impression of looking in on a snow globe. I rather like that.

Body Love Revolution!

Greetings, all. Golda Poretsky, who is a holistic nutritionist will be interviewing a number of women who are Fat Acceptance activists/Health At Every Size proponents/awesome human beings. The telesummit is free and the interviews are probably going to be awesome and full of interesting and useful information.

In case you are interested or even a little curious, you should sign up and see what Fat Acceptance and Health at Every Size are all about.

Body Love Revolution Telesummit

Apparently, changes have consequences.

So, I'm going to start this post off by saying something incredibly ridiculous and obvious: Changing how you eat, changes how you eat.

Now, let me explain. I've not had the best couple of days. I have part of a first draft on a big paper due to my advisor this week, and a lit review that I wrote a while back went missing during one of the many computer fiascos that has happened in the past twelve months. I didn't realize that until I decided I should reread what I've already written on Friday. Then, I went to a party to sort of chill for a bit and found myself roped into being grill master and having to grill more than 15 hamburgers for the host. This was not particularly relaxing. (And, if it hadn't been the hosts birthday, I would have told him no.) And, yesterday I had already planned to go on a leek fast so I spend the day tense from the previous day, working on a paper and not feeling very focused about it, and hungry, which, for unknown reasons always makes me feel like I'm a terrible person who has done something wrong and who doesn't deserved to be loved.

When it came around to dinner time, despite the fact that the fast was supposed to go a full 36 hours, I had had enough. So, I asked myself, "What will make me feel better?" And, I answered, "Junk food." That seemed fair so I asked, "What kind of junk food?" Well, nothing sounded good. So, I settled on cheese fries with bacon and some sort of onion and sour cream based dipping sauce. So, I went to the store to procure the ingredients to make this calorie and salt-laden pile of goodness. I get there, I walk through the prepared foods section and I see the sushi counter. And, before I know it, I've unconsciously changed Fry Fest 2010 into a quiet evening at home with some steamed vegetable gyoza and 6 Philadelphia rolls, some pre-cut pineapple and mango followed up by a slice of vanilla cake. When I looked down in my basket, I thought to myself, "Wow, that seems perfectly reasonable. We need to at least buy some chips or something." So, I picked up some bugles and a small container of fat-free onion dip. But, no bugle-binging took place. Reasonable meal eating. The fruit, gyoza and sushi are all gone, but everything else remains so that they can continue to be eaten in proper portions.

I'm as surprised as you are, dear reader. I'm as surprised as you are. But, at least this morning I'm not adding, "Oh, I can't believe I consumed 3,000 calories in 30 minutes!" guilt to the stress I was already feeling. That is a nice change.

Week 1 of my challenge

On the first day, while standing in warrior two, I thought, "Hmm, I'm going to have to fight myself the whole way on this." And, that's pretty much the case. 3 of the mornings this week, I've done closer to ten minutes of yoga than twenty. But, I think that by the end of the 30 days, I might actually be able to work up to 20 minutes. The thing is, my body isn't ready for some of the yoga poses. And, instead of giving it the old college try, I usually just end up staring at Rodney Yee in the video, swearing and giving up. That pose where you're in downward-facing dog, and then you lift a leg and twist? Ya. Fuck that. At least that has been my reaction this week.


Overall, though, I haven't much minded getting up the extra half-hour early and I feel better. This morning, I did (a good chunk of) the hip opening workout and it was perfect,just perfect. I didn't realize I had that much tension in my hips but as we worked through a series of poses beginning and ending with staff pose, I felt the tension releasing and my body relaxing. I've had that experience before, where you realize that some kind of emotion has been building up someplace when you feel it being released (sorry to go all dirty hippie on you), but it is still unexpected and a little surprising when it happens.

I look forward to continuing this challenge and seeing what else I learn.

Did you know that French women don't get fat?

While I was on vacation, I read French Women Don't Get Fat. You read that right. I read a diet book. On vacation. On purpose. I find diet books to interesting and (often times) amusing, so yes, I occasionally read them for fun. (Actually, I read a lot of things while I was on vacation. Reading is fun.) And, I found that the book is actually full of some pretty good advice. The thrust of the book seemed to be, "slow down, be choosy, make time for yourself, and enjoy what you have." And, I think my life could use a little more of that. I think most people could probably use a little more of that.

I've been thinking about my life and about how stressful being a graduate student can be. I have school work, research, lab hours, and teaching responsibilities that I have to balance with the business of being a grown up, which luckily for me just means making sure that my cats and I eat, sleep and exercise and that the bills are paid on time. And, when push comes to shove the parts of my life that get dumped first when I'm busy are my eating, my sleeping and my exercising. But, I have thought about this a lot, over the last eight months or so and I have come to the conclusion that taking time away from the eating, sleeping and exercising doesn't help me get any of the other stuff any easier. In fact, it makes everything just a little bit worse, likely because I'm not getting the vitamins/nutrients/calories I need and I don't have a place to appropriately blow off steam.

So, before I even picked up the book, I was already on the look out for little changes that I could make that would just get more movement into my life. I have decided that starting on Monday, I am challenging myself to 30 days of 20 minutes of yoga in the morning and to 30 days of a stroll after dinner. I'm a little nervous that I won't be able to keep it up but I think these are necessary changes that need to be made so I'm going to make it happen.

Owning it

So, as the seven readers of this blog already now, I'm back in the land where I'm from visiting my family for a spell. Visiting is always complicated, maybe others disagree, when you're visiting someplace you had lived for quite a long time. There are lots of people and places you want to fit in and not a lot of time and schedules have to be taken into account and it is a delicate balancing act (which makes visiting not always the best form a vacation can taken since you end up getting up early and running around and driving...so much driving. I digress.)

Anyway, on this little trip home I had the opportunity over the weekend to go shopping with my Mother and my sister, which is always a good time. We tried stuff on and laughed and found some really nice pieces on sale (My Mom and I ended up picking out and then buying the same endless scarf, but in different colors). We were in a store that we've all been to together before, but probably not in at least a year and I turned to my Mother and I said, "Where are the fat girl clothes?" And, she was surprised by the question. I think she responded with, "The plus sizes are that way." and then she said something like, "I didn't want to use that word."

I love my Mom, she's great. And, she's also struggled with weight and body image so I know that she's sensitive to these issues and she'd never want to do anything to hurt my feelings. I appreciate that. It is nice knowing that people do take your feelings into consideration. But, I'm at this point in my life where I just want to own it. I want to use words to mean what they mean and not pussyfoot around the pragmatics of things. I'm a fat girl. And, you know, I don't feel bad about it. I'm also a smart girl and a funny girl and (shock) a healthy girl who eats a lot of vegetables and a not-to-be-trifled with girl and making an effort to save people's feelings and avoid the word 'fat' for so long as made a big deal out of being fat. And, while my size might be one of the most obvious things about me visually, it is actually one of the least important things about me in total. I feel like there should be more of the bigger picture taken into consideration.

DEATHFATTY ON A BICYCLE!

So, this tumblr site which used to be called "Fuck Yeah, Deathfatties!" has been a great source of inspiration to me. Here are all these fine women, doing their thing and looking fucking awesome while doing it and it is so nice to have a place where you can look and see all different body types and shapes instead of what is our cultural standard.

I was finishing up an errand earlier today and it was gorgeous out. The plan had been to run my errands and then go have ice cream, but I changed my mind. I came home and I got on my bike. I thought I would take a spin around my neighborhood. What I did was find a back way that connects to the bike trail that is sort of near my house. Since I found the trail, I figured, what the hell, let's actually ride on it for a little while.

The trail itself winds along a creek and goes for about five miles. I rode about half of it. I then took a different route home. And, while I was riding I had a funny little thought, "Oh my. Its a Deathfatty on a bicycle. Look out, World!"

I had another thought while I was riding, too. I understand that there are a lot of health issues that are caused by long term obesity, but I can't help but think that our obsession with appearance is a major contributor to that. How many people don't work out because they're so ashamed of how they look? How many other deathfatties weren't out bike riding today, not because they didn't want to but because they know they are out of shape and they are embarrassed about that.

I will admit that I get embarrassed when I go for a ride or a walk and I come back practically panting and red-faced. But, I keep doing it because I actually enjoy it. It feels good to move. I wonder if we focused more on that and less on appearance, if the "fat problem" would be as much of a problem.

Body Image and a Project I'm working on

So, I've been working on this thing. I joined one of those Flickr, 365 self-portraits in 365 days on my birthday this year. This is picture 43. The idea for this project grew out of a "powerful women" idea that I had way back in the day when I still lived in Iowa City and worked at a bookstore shelving magazines. The original thought was that people in general are involved in many narratives and we use these narratives to build our conception of ourselves. And, I'm interested in women in particular because I feel like one of the things that smart, strong, successful, powerful women do is perform the parts of their identity that they think are the most important, that they want to be the most salient in such a way that it can't be ignored. That you see what they see because, for lack of a better way to put it, they are such masters of appearance that they allow their interpretation of whatever feature is relevant to be not only a violable option, but the most likely option were you to talk or think or come up with a notion about them. So, How do you do that? And, how do we, as individuals decide (if we decide consciously at all) what is most important about ourselves and how do we then make that something other people see and think is important, too. This interests me.


So, the original idea was to sit down with awesome women that I know and interview them and discuss image and how they like to be perceived and how they try to make their ideas about who they are known, but for now I'm my guinea pig for these 365 days and then we'll see where things go after that. This picture is the furthest out on a limb that I've been during this project. I hope to get more adventurous (and better at lighting and angles) as time goes on. The idea behind this one was stple, I find a nice soak in the bath with a book to be a most enjoyable experience. And, part of that experience is adding a little extra hot water to the tub when it cools down a bit. For some reason, it makes me think a little bit about Marilyn Monroe in the Seven Year Itch, only she'd be sitting in a cool bathtub because it was just so hot in New York. I guess this means that the photo (since, yes, I just compared myself to Marilyn Monroe) may be inadvertently sexy. But, that wasn't the intention.

True Story.

I'm just on a roll

So, I'm sitting on my couch, thinking about getting up and taking a shower, drinking tea with white honey while listening to Joni Mitchell on Last.fm. And, this morning instead of the cereal that I bought new milk to pour over last night, I had one of Kellogg's new Cinnabon snack bars.

Yes, that's right. Its my ass and I'll add cinnamon roll snack bar to it if I want.

I've been thinking lately, and, yes, I'll get back to focusing on the dieting but right now I'm going to go off on another body issues and society rant.

I've been many weights and I will be honest with you, one of the things that off-putting about really committing to going from being a bigger woman to being a smaller woman is this:

Some men do not seem to know how to express their appreciation for the female form without being skeezy, leering, creepy and/or weird.

Now, I illustrate with examples. The last time I got down to smoking hot, I had more than one guy friend that had only ever known me at the higher weight walk up to me, put his arm around me, give me the visual once-over and then say something like, "Well, you're looking really good."

Now, these experiences admittedly probably freaked me out more than they would freak out the average bear because I'm very protective of my personal space. I just don't particularly care for a lot of people in my space. And, by a lot of people, I mean that if we don't have a hugging relationship I don't feel you should ever touch me for any reason and if we do have a hugging relationship, you should probably already have my attention or have me otherwise engaged before initiating physical contact. Also, I don't have many hugging relationships with men. (I can think of three off the top of my head of my head who aren't my father who get a hug *every time* I see them.)

So, here's the thing: I understand that these men just wanted to show their appreciation for something that obviously had required a lot of time and effort. They thought I looked nice and they wanted me to know that they appreciated that fact. But, I didn't come away from those experiences feeling appreciated, I ended up feeling cheap and as if I'd been stripped of my agency. I felt like I'd spent all this time and effort and that the pay off was that men who had known me for years and were (likely)* well aware of my protectiveness of my own space now felt it was appropriate to invite themselves into it. But, it doesn't matter what size I am, if I don't offer you a hug, I don't want you in my space.

I just think there has to be a better way to show your appreciation for how someone looks and the (possibly) obvious effort they put into looking like that.

*I say likely here because, while its unlikely that they were never told that I don't like being touched, it is possible that they never realized I was being serious. And, I say its unlikely because I used to wear a button on my name tag that said, "You are too close." Also, I say, "Oh, no touching." frequently. You know the mice in The Hitchhiker's guide posited that they could just replace Arthur's brain with a machine that repeated stock phrases like, "Cuppa tea?" My machine-brain would say, "Oh, No touching," "True Story," and "Well, that's less than ideal." Seriously. True Story.

Well, Would you look at that!

1. I just discovered I can post on this thing via email. Which is to say that I can now post from my blackberry. Who else is excited about knowing what I'm having for lunch because I can post it from my phone?

2. Another small victory! According to my scale and the calendar on which I keep track of these things, I've lost 9 pounds in the last thirty days. While this isn't exactly monumental, considering I feel like I've done a lot of cheating it is not too bad.


So, I'm hoping July can build on what I've done this June. I'm not planning on adding/subtracting/changing anything in my regiment. I'm still moving towards (which is to say, cheating away) from South Beach, eating as many veggies as I can put in my mouth (this past week, in the form of many, many BLTs), and going for walks when I motivate myself up off the sofa. Of course, perhaps I could motivate myself into doing one of the many work out DVDs I own. We'll see about that.


To celebrate this month's small victory, I had some baked cheetos today. 34 cheetos is 130 calories. I had more than 130 calories worth and now I feel sort of sluggish and gross. I think I may very well break what's left into individual serving sizes. Not that I'll likely make the same mistake again.

Picking A Plan

I have decided to re-read The South Beach Diet and The Eat Clean Diet. While they might deny that they are the same thing, they are pretty similar. They are both plans that focus a life-long overhaul of how you eat focusing on complex carbohydrates like the ones found in whole grains and fruits and vegetables and lean proteins. I have also decided to cancel my eDiets subscription. In March, I signed up for their Glycemic Impact diet (which is, again, a diet focused on complex carbohydrates and lean proteins.)

I have made this decision for two reasons. The first reason is that I don't sign into eDiets frequently enough to justify the expenditure. While I can see how it would be a tremendous resource, I found that when I was following their menu I was buying way more food than I actually ate. This meant that I wasted a lot of food. And, when I was going through the menus and trying to decide what not to buy (because I knew I wasn't going to eat as much as they predicted I would eat) I would just end up creating my own menu anyway. And, the second reason? I feel like South Beach and Eat Clean are geared towards learning principles to live by. I would like to (re)learn some general principles as I hope to one day live in a world where I do not feel like my life is centered around food and eating. I'm hoping I'm not the only person out there who feels like this, but I feel like most of my day centers around what I can eat, what I should eat, and (sadly) what other people are thinking about what I eat. I know, its ridiculous but I probably spend as much time scrutinizing food choices for their social consequences as I do actually preparing and eating food. (If you're one of the people free of this affliction, let me just tell you that it takes pretty much all off the fun out of eating. It makes it impossible to really enjoy the things that are bad for you and it makes the things that are good for you, whether they are tasty or not, a chore.) I know this is crazy; I would like to someday be free of it. But, today is not that day. Today is a salad with peppers, tomatoes and grilled chicken breast served with a big glass of water day.

What do you ask the skinny people?

I love dumb questions (not).

Why is it that when I (a somewhat-overweight-but-not-even-remotely-in-need-of-stomach-stapling 30 year old) get a more-or-less healthy lunch (lasanga rolls, veggies, diet soda) some joker has to go "Oh, eating healthy today?"

What? Considering I avoid anything fried like the plague, try to eat veggies at least once a day, and am attempting to cut down on my pastry consumption, that's pretty out-of-line. Actually, that's just out-of-line in general. Would you say "Oh, eating shitty today?" to the skinny person behind me getting a cheeseburger on white bun with some really hideous looking onion rings, two cookies, and a large regular soda? Would you say it to the extremely morbidly obese person ahead of me (and when I say extreme I could eaily fit inside one pantleg and I'm not little) who has bought enough food for a family and is now sitting down to eat by themselves?

Thanks, dude. And for the record...there's a scone in my knitting bag.

True Story

True Story. About five years ago, I get this brilliant idea. I'm going to lose all this weight that I've been carrying around my whole life. I enlist my sister (who, at the time, was my roommate) and we go on the South Beach diet. Then, we join Curves. We're wildly successful. I don't know how many pounds my sister lost, but I lost something like a hundred. (I didn't keep good records, I only kept track of pants size, how hungry I was, and how good I felt.) I almost never went hungry (unless I missed a snack), I felt great and I went from a size 28 to a size 14 or a 16. I got to shop at regular clothing stores with my friends. It was amazing! Also, I looked smoking hot. I have seriously long legs, and I'd never realized that before.


And, then I went to graduate school and met a guy and got engaged and it all went to hell.

So, now I'm back to square one. I've put all the weight back on. All of the weight. I've broken up with the guy (he was a total loser. Love really does cause blindness.), I'm still in grad school and I have a fabulous kitten I rescued from a parking lot and some nice houseplants. But, I'm so very, very angry at myself for being back at this weight. Basically, things are pretty great, setting aside the rage and the weight gain. And, if I lost it before, I can lose it again, right?


I'd like to say that I've started this because I'm ready to lose the weight again, for reals, y'all, and that I'm ready to work through my issues. But, that isn't really the case. Mostly, its because I'm a stubborn bitch that's pissed at herself for being back here. Also, its a little bit because I had all this diet stuff sorted and now that I've put the weight back on all these skinny folks keep trying to give me tips. Don't get me wrong, every little bit helps, but seriously, five minutes in my amazing three-inch heels and all you skinny bitches would weep. I already drink diet and count my steps, eat my veggie burgers (that I make myself, by the way) without the bun and I'm a firm believer that a half-cup 10-calorie sugar-free jello cup hits the sweet spot every time. I'm fierce, and don't you forget it.

I suspect that this blog will turn into a lot of ranting about society and body issues and all manner of shit that doesn't really pertain to weight loss, but that's really the name of the game, isn't it? Its not what you look like, its how you feel in your own skin. And, if I can get back to feeling smokin' hot, whether it be at a BMI within the healthy range or a BMI that suggests that my heart is actually pumping around congealed fat instead of blood, I'll have succeeded. That's all I really care about.