Weight Watchers

So kinda on a whim, after work I Monday I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I did it in college so I'm familiar with how the diet works and so I thought I should try it again. I had some success with it but like all the diets I have been on as soon as I plateaued I became frustrated and went back to my hold habits. I am determined that this will not happen again. When I weighed myself to set up my profile, I was horrified to find that not only have I gained back all the weight I had lost before moving to New York but I am now the heaviest I have ever been! When did this happen? I don't feel like I have changed my eating habits? I'm not eating more then I did before. I'm actually more active here in New York then I ever was in Iowa since I don't have a car and am forced to do more walking. So how can I really be heavier now then ever before? This puzzles me but I want to look as this as a good thing. Maybe this is what I need to push me to really lose the weight. I refuse to gain anymore weight. I wanted to lose some weight before we go to Florida in March but it's no longer about that. I'm not happy with the way I look. I know I am not healthy and I have been overweight for most of my life. I know this is something I can change and God willing this plan will help me do it.

Health Month

Do you all know this website: Health Month? It is a health management website that is set up like a social game. You pick a couple of rules each month and you do your best to follow them. The thought behind it, at least for me, is that I have the opportunity to be mindful about a couple of little things all month and I have rewards set up for when I succeed and if I fail I've also got a non-reward set up because you start each game (a month is a game) by setting up a little contract for yourself.


I've not done it before; this is my first month giving it a go. I know it is only January 2nd, but so far, so good. I've set it up so that I have three rules: I have to take a multi-vitamin everyday. I have to drink 61 glasses of water a week and I have to eat greens everyday. I had a salad last night for dinner and it was very refreshing. (This is going to seem counter-intuitive as someone who has a CSA share, but getting enough greens is actually pretty hard for me.)

So far today, I've already taken my vitamin and I've got my trusty-rusty water bottle next me and it is already half empty. (It isn't actually rusty. It is a vapur water bottle that Santa brought me for Christmas.) I think things are going pretty well.

I can't go to the gym

So, I wonder if anyone else has this experience. I will get ready to work out and by get ready I mean suit up and even get as far as the front door if I'm "running" or actually make it all the way to the gym and then I'll go outside or I'll get into the room with the machines and I will start to feel panicky and I will have to leave. The thought of working out, of doing any physical activity in front of any people is actually very upsetting to me. It is like being in P.E. class when I was little and the jerks would point out how slow I was because I was fat or would throw the dodge balls at me with full force because it would make that great thwaking sound when I didn't get out of the way fast enough. I know it is ridiculous to compare it that, partly because we're all grownups now and partly because no one else at the gym cares what I look like or what I'm doing there. But, part of me feels, when I'm running on a treadmill or on a bike or an eliptical trainer, that while I may be clever, well-educated and occasionally amusing that I've never looked like what I should look like so that none of that matters. I can't go to the gym. I. Just. Can't. I don't need to do things that make me feel worthless, like most people I have those moments without forcing them to happen.

I find myself in this odd situation where I would really like to add more physical activity to my daily life but I'm at a loss for how to do this. I can't go to the gym for the reasons I've previously outlined. And, I have a pretty full schedule so adding more classes like Zumba and Belly dancing (both of which I've started in the last month) is problematic. Perhaps I just need to get back to my challenge and really try to make it stick this time. I know I feel better and more relaxed when I work out, but I can't make myself do something that makes me want to cry. That just doesn't seem reasonable to me.

Apparently, changes have consequences.

So, I'm going to start this post off by saying something incredibly ridiculous and obvious: Changing how you eat, changes how you eat.

Now, let me explain. I've not had the best couple of days. I have part of a first draft on a big paper due to my advisor this week, and a lit review that I wrote a while back went missing during one of the many computer fiascos that has happened in the past twelve months. I didn't realize that until I decided I should reread what I've already written on Friday. Then, I went to a party to sort of chill for a bit and found myself roped into being grill master and having to grill more than 15 hamburgers for the host. This was not particularly relaxing. (And, if it hadn't been the hosts birthday, I would have told him no.) And, yesterday I had already planned to go on a leek fast so I spend the day tense from the previous day, working on a paper and not feeling very focused about it, and hungry, which, for unknown reasons always makes me feel like I'm a terrible person who has done something wrong and who doesn't deserved to be loved.

When it came around to dinner time, despite the fact that the fast was supposed to go a full 36 hours, I had had enough. So, I asked myself, "What will make me feel better?" And, I answered, "Junk food." That seemed fair so I asked, "What kind of junk food?" Well, nothing sounded good. So, I settled on cheese fries with bacon and some sort of onion and sour cream based dipping sauce. So, I went to the store to procure the ingredients to make this calorie and salt-laden pile of goodness. I get there, I walk through the prepared foods section and I see the sushi counter. And, before I know it, I've unconsciously changed Fry Fest 2010 into a quiet evening at home with some steamed vegetable gyoza and 6 Philadelphia rolls, some pre-cut pineapple and mango followed up by a slice of vanilla cake. When I looked down in my basket, I thought to myself, "Wow, that seems perfectly reasonable. We need to at least buy some chips or something." So, I picked up some bugles and a small container of fat-free onion dip. But, no bugle-binging took place. Reasonable meal eating. The fruit, gyoza and sushi are all gone, but everything else remains so that they can continue to be eaten in proper portions.

I'm as surprised as you are, dear reader. I'm as surprised as you are. But, at least this morning I'm not adding, "Oh, I can't believe I consumed 3,000 calories in 30 minutes!" guilt to the stress I was already feeling. That is a nice change.

Week 1 of my challenge

On the first day, while standing in warrior two, I thought, "Hmm, I'm going to have to fight myself the whole way on this." And, that's pretty much the case. 3 of the mornings this week, I've done closer to ten minutes of yoga than twenty. But, I think that by the end of the 30 days, I might actually be able to work up to 20 minutes. The thing is, my body isn't ready for some of the yoga poses. And, instead of giving it the old college try, I usually just end up staring at Rodney Yee in the video, swearing and giving up. That pose where you're in downward-facing dog, and then you lift a leg and twist? Ya. Fuck that. At least that has been my reaction this week.


Overall, though, I haven't much minded getting up the extra half-hour early and I feel better. This morning, I did (a good chunk of) the hip opening workout and it was perfect,just perfect. I didn't realize I had that much tension in my hips but as we worked through a series of poses beginning and ending with staff pose, I felt the tension releasing and my body relaxing. I've had that experience before, where you realize that some kind of emotion has been building up someplace when you feel it being released (sorry to go all dirty hippie on you), but it is still unexpected and a little surprising when it happens.

I look forward to continuing this challenge and seeing what else I learn.

Did you know that French women don't get fat?

While I was on vacation, I read French Women Don't Get Fat. You read that right. I read a diet book. On vacation. On purpose. I find diet books to interesting and (often times) amusing, so yes, I occasionally read them for fun. (Actually, I read a lot of things while I was on vacation. Reading is fun.) And, I found that the book is actually full of some pretty good advice. The thrust of the book seemed to be, "slow down, be choosy, make time for yourself, and enjoy what you have." And, I think my life could use a little more of that. I think most people could probably use a little more of that.

I've been thinking about my life and about how stressful being a graduate student can be. I have school work, research, lab hours, and teaching responsibilities that I have to balance with the business of being a grown up, which luckily for me just means making sure that my cats and I eat, sleep and exercise and that the bills are paid on time. And, when push comes to shove the parts of my life that get dumped first when I'm busy are my eating, my sleeping and my exercising. But, I have thought about this a lot, over the last eight months or so and I have come to the conclusion that taking time away from the eating, sleeping and exercising doesn't help me get any of the other stuff any easier. In fact, it makes everything just a little bit worse, likely because I'm not getting the vitamins/nutrients/calories I need and I don't have a place to appropriately blow off steam.

So, before I even picked up the book, I was already on the look out for little changes that I could make that would just get more movement into my life. I have decided that starting on Monday, I am challenging myself to 30 days of 20 minutes of yoga in the morning and to 30 days of a stroll after dinner. I'm a little nervous that I won't be able to keep it up but I think these are necessary changes that need to be made so I'm going to make it happen.

Owning it

So, as the seven readers of this blog already now, I'm back in the land where I'm from visiting my family for a spell. Visiting is always complicated, maybe others disagree, when you're visiting someplace you had lived for quite a long time. There are lots of people and places you want to fit in and not a lot of time and schedules have to be taken into account and it is a delicate balancing act (which makes visiting not always the best form a vacation can taken since you end up getting up early and running around and driving...so much driving. I digress.)

Anyway, on this little trip home I had the opportunity over the weekend to go shopping with my Mother and my sister, which is always a good time. We tried stuff on and laughed and found some really nice pieces on sale (My Mom and I ended up picking out and then buying the same endless scarf, but in different colors). We were in a store that we've all been to together before, but probably not in at least a year and I turned to my Mother and I said, "Where are the fat girl clothes?" And, she was surprised by the question. I think she responded with, "The plus sizes are that way." and then she said something like, "I didn't want to use that word."

I love my Mom, she's great. And, she's also struggled with weight and body image so I know that she's sensitive to these issues and she'd never want to do anything to hurt my feelings. I appreciate that. It is nice knowing that people do take your feelings into consideration. But, I'm at this point in my life where I just want to own it. I want to use words to mean what they mean and not pussyfoot around the pragmatics of things. I'm a fat girl. And, you know, I don't feel bad about it. I'm also a smart girl and a funny girl and (shock) a healthy girl who eats a lot of vegetables and a not-to-be-trifled with girl and making an effort to save people's feelings and avoid the word 'fat' for so long as made a big deal out of being fat. And, while my size might be one of the most obvious things about me visually, it is actually one of the least important things about me in total. I feel like there should be more of the bigger picture taken into consideration.