Apparently, changes have consequences.

So, I'm going to start this post off by saying something incredibly ridiculous and obvious: Changing how you eat, changes how you eat.

Now, let me explain. I've not had the best couple of days. I have part of a first draft on a big paper due to my advisor this week, and a lit review that I wrote a while back went missing during one of the many computer fiascos that has happened in the past twelve months. I didn't realize that until I decided I should reread what I've already written on Friday. Then, I went to a party to sort of chill for a bit and found myself roped into being grill master and having to grill more than 15 hamburgers for the host. This was not particularly relaxing. (And, if it hadn't been the hosts birthday, I would have told him no.) And, yesterday I had already planned to go on a leek fast so I spend the day tense from the previous day, working on a paper and not feeling very focused about it, and hungry, which, for unknown reasons always makes me feel like I'm a terrible person who has done something wrong and who doesn't deserved to be loved.

When it came around to dinner time, despite the fact that the fast was supposed to go a full 36 hours, I had had enough. So, I asked myself, "What will make me feel better?" And, I answered, "Junk food." That seemed fair so I asked, "What kind of junk food?" Well, nothing sounded good. So, I settled on cheese fries with bacon and some sort of onion and sour cream based dipping sauce. So, I went to the store to procure the ingredients to make this calorie and salt-laden pile of goodness. I get there, I walk through the prepared foods section and I see the sushi counter. And, before I know it, I've unconsciously changed Fry Fest 2010 into a quiet evening at home with some steamed vegetable gyoza and 6 Philadelphia rolls, some pre-cut pineapple and mango followed up by a slice of vanilla cake. When I looked down in my basket, I thought to myself, "Wow, that seems perfectly reasonable. We need to at least buy some chips or something." So, I picked up some bugles and a small container of fat-free onion dip. But, no bugle-binging took place. Reasonable meal eating. The fruit, gyoza and sushi are all gone, but everything else remains so that they can continue to be eaten in proper portions.

I'm as surprised as you are, dear reader. I'm as surprised as you are. But, at least this morning I'm not adding, "Oh, I can't believe I consumed 3,000 calories in 30 minutes!" guilt to the stress I was already feeling. That is a nice change.

Owning it

So, as the seven readers of this blog already now, I'm back in the land where I'm from visiting my family for a spell. Visiting is always complicated, maybe others disagree, when you're visiting someplace you had lived for quite a long time. There are lots of people and places you want to fit in and not a lot of time and schedules have to be taken into account and it is a delicate balancing act (which makes visiting not always the best form a vacation can taken since you end up getting up early and running around and driving...so much driving. I digress.)

Anyway, on this little trip home I had the opportunity over the weekend to go shopping with my Mother and my sister, which is always a good time. We tried stuff on and laughed and found some really nice pieces on sale (My Mom and I ended up picking out and then buying the same endless scarf, but in different colors). We were in a store that we've all been to together before, but probably not in at least a year and I turned to my Mother and I said, "Where are the fat girl clothes?" And, she was surprised by the question. I think she responded with, "The plus sizes are that way." and then she said something like, "I didn't want to use that word."

I love my Mom, she's great. And, she's also struggled with weight and body image so I know that she's sensitive to these issues and she'd never want to do anything to hurt my feelings. I appreciate that. It is nice knowing that people do take your feelings into consideration. But, I'm at this point in my life where I just want to own it. I want to use words to mean what they mean and not pussyfoot around the pragmatics of things. I'm a fat girl. And, you know, I don't feel bad about it. I'm also a smart girl and a funny girl and (shock) a healthy girl who eats a lot of vegetables and a not-to-be-trifled with girl and making an effort to save people's feelings and avoid the word 'fat' for so long as made a big deal out of being fat. And, while my size might be one of the most obvious things about me visually, it is actually one of the least important things about me in total. I feel like there should be more of the bigger picture taken into consideration.

DEATHFATTY ON A BICYCLE!

So, this tumblr site which used to be called "Fuck Yeah, Deathfatties!" has been a great source of inspiration to me. Here are all these fine women, doing their thing and looking fucking awesome while doing it and it is so nice to have a place where you can look and see all different body types and shapes instead of what is our cultural standard.

I was finishing up an errand earlier today and it was gorgeous out. The plan had been to run my errands and then go have ice cream, but I changed my mind. I came home and I got on my bike. I thought I would take a spin around my neighborhood. What I did was find a back way that connects to the bike trail that is sort of near my house. Since I found the trail, I figured, what the hell, let's actually ride on it for a little while.

The trail itself winds along a creek and goes for about five miles. I rode about half of it. I then took a different route home. And, while I was riding I had a funny little thought, "Oh my. Its a Deathfatty on a bicycle. Look out, World!"

I had another thought while I was riding, too. I understand that there are a lot of health issues that are caused by long term obesity, but I can't help but think that our obsession with appearance is a major contributor to that. How many people don't work out because they're so ashamed of how they look? How many other deathfatties weren't out bike riding today, not because they didn't want to but because they know they are out of shape and they are embarrassed about that.

I will admit that I get embarrassed when I go for a ride or a walk and I come back practically panting and red-faced. But, I keep doing it because I actually enjoy it. It feels good to move. I wonder if we focused more on that and less on appearance, if the "fat problem" would be as much of a problem.

Well, Would you look at that!

1. I just discovered I can post on this thing via email. Which is to say that I can now post from my blackberry. Who else is excited about knowing what I'm having for lunch because I can post it from my phone?

2. Another small victory! According to my scale and the calendar on which I keep track of these things, I've lost 9 pounds in the last thirty days. While this isn't exactly monumental, considering I feel like I've done a lot of cheating it is not too bad.


So, I'm hoping July can build on what I've done this June. I'm not planning on adding/subtracting/changing anything in my regiment. I'm still moving towards (which is to say, cheating away) from South Beach, eating as many veggies as I can put in my mouth (this past week, in the form of many, many BLTs), and going for walks when I motivate myself up off the sofa. Of course, perhaps I could motivate myself into doing one of the many work out DVDs I own. We'll see about that.


To celebrate this month's small victory, I had some baked cheetos today. 34 cheetos is 130 calories. I had more than 130 calories worth and now I feel sort of sluggish and gross. I think I may very well break what's left into individual serving sizes. Not that I'll likely make the same mistake again.

Small Victories

On Monday I went clothes shopping with my Mother. We looked in a few shops, picked through the sales racks. Mostly, we just chatted and walked. The point of the excursion was to visit Torrid so that I could use the ten dollars off coupon they sent me in the mail for my birthday. I don't go clothes shopping very often. I don't because I have a lot of clothing. And, graduate school isn't the sort of place that keeps you in piles of cash. Also, I don't because I'm hoping to not be this size for very long (a hope that I have long nursed) so I don't want to add to this wardrobe if I'm not going to get a lot of use out of something.

As a result of this, I get a lot of use out of the items I have. Our mission was to find me another pair of work pants because I pretty much live in black trousers whether I'm working or not. We accepted it. We stopped at Torrid, which had a number of cute summer dresses that I thought were a little overpriced and some nice black slacks in tall. The tall is very necessary. Sadly, they were out of what I thought was my size. But, they did have the next size down. I figured, what the hell, I'll try them. And, they sit. So, I'm now (currently at this moment) wearing a size that is 3 sizes smaller than the last pair of pants I bought at Lane Bryant. Now, I know that different places size things differently, so this might not be the victory I think it is (although, of the two, I think Torrid's sizes tend to run smaller. Any thoughts on this?), but its still a victory and I'm going to take it.